It’s almost a year now since I’ve been with him.
Seeing him get home from work, driving for more than an hour from his office to pick up his wife, Grace at her office so she doesn’t have to commute.
Hearing him wake up early in the morning to prepare his breakfast and packed lunch. Making so much noise my mother would tell me about it as she comes into the kitchen in the morning. He loved to cook. His kids love his spaghetti and fried chicken. He doesn’t even ask for help preparing. He managed on his own.
He was a messy eater. Just like his youngest son, Marvin. More often he would have a piece of his food near his mouth. I would give him the look and gesture to get it off his face. It happens a lot that I found it unnecessary to chide him about it.
I love his laugh. I miss his laughter. He would laugh out loud, almost in tears about something he’s watching on TV. The image is still very clear in my mind. I miss him.
I still see him getting ready to go out of the house. Wearing his plaid long shorts and striped shirt. I think I’ve told him once or twice that it’s a bad combination. But he kept on. He doesn’t like it when he’s criticized. He’d just shrug it off and grunt an “I don’t care what you say” bunch of words — “Sus, shoo!!!”. Exasperated. He continued wearing them.
He loved to sing and dance. He was a good dancer. Loved Michael Jackson. Danced like him too. His son Marvin, took after him. Almost like a Jim Junior.
He loved going to his high school and college reunions. Didn’t miss a year. There were loving posts in Facebook, remembering how much they miss him and appreciated him. Even got to talk to one of his college friends who called. He wanted to know if what he’s read was true. He shared how he remembered Jim’s kindness to him. He considered Jim as one of the good guys in school. I was very happy to hear that.
Today is a bright, sunny summer day. I miss him so much. I still can’t believe he’s gone. If I only knew he would be gone ahead of me, I would have loved him more. Does he know? Does he know that I think of him every day? Conjure up his image every day? Recall his voice, his words of endearment towards his wife and kids? His nervous laughter, seemingly awkward smile at times? I don’t really know why he does that. Never bothered to ask. His shouts, loud sneeze, and annoying “Ano?” when I asked him something and he feigned not hearing it. I miss even that.
The new Covid virus caused his death. I wish I had the power to save him. I would have done anything to save him if I knew it would take his life. We didn’t know. None of us did until it was too late.
I felt helpless that day. There was no way to turn back time. The grief was unbearable.
Now here we are. Almost a year. I’ll always miss him. My heart aches. Tears will always fall when I think of him. I see his sad weak eyes looking at me as he was leaving for the hospital. I smiled and assured him it was the best thing to do so he can get well. He didn’t want to go. He was sure he’d get better at home. He almost didn’t get a room at the hospital. They were hesitant to take his case. Kuya made sure he got one. Four days later he was gone.
I love you Jim, my dear brother. I find solace knowing we’ll see each other again when it’s my time. I continue seeing you. How you would look – your smile, your loud and silent words, your laughter – every time I wished you were here, still with us. I’d like to think you are. I feel it in my heart. All I need to do is remember. When the pain is sometimes unbearable, I’d give in and sob. It helps ease the pain.
I see you Champoy. I feel you. What were you thinking when you knew it was the end? Someday I will know. Someday. Till then, I’ll just think of you and keep you in my heart.